Archive for June, 2010
The House Advantage
I will not SCORN death (since I’m not sure that life is better). And, as such, I have the rest of this cosmology…
- regret
- disgust
- scorn
- spite
- resentment
I put disgust at the center making it causative (but also such that it can be cured). Of course I’m saying that men are disgusted by a woman’s lack of penis (and visa versa). And I’m saying that this is the reason for ‘all’ regret, spite, resentment, and scorn (this last used to be irreverence). BUT I’m also saying that ‘why didn’t we, why do we, why don’t we’ (regret, disgust, scorn) isn’t so much a problem of ’sin’ (mistakes in the past, regret proper) as of false memory (fixation on disgust): ‘original sin’.
Oh, the The Fall* (why did we, why do we, why don’t we… regret, disgust, scorn) MIGHT be (seems to be) how knowledge (why) is filtered from experience (without trial and error [trials and tribulations], for example, which applies to understanding… or to wisdom, where a wise woman learns what not to do by watching someone else, a man perhaps, suffer loss… to her benefit and so, sometimes, at her behest): A tree of knowledge (relative to good understanding and evil wisdom, as such).
Thinking about…
- chance
- credit
- trust fund (grace)
- will (and testament)
- professing (as prostituting)
- and prostitution (as the oldest profession, original slavery)
… how this might apply to the creation of knowledge (Teleology: The upward arrow, because).
When one uses the term sophist in a negative way, one may be implying that the individual is not personally responsible for creating knowledge (just as the tree of knowledge establishes original knowledge AND places the blame for sin on original sin rather than on the individual).**
As for original sin, I’m reminded of hunter-gatherers (hunting snakes and gathering forbidden fruits) and how being expelled from a paradisal garden might suggest a move toward agrarianism (domestication) by which man labors morning to night so as to bring forth food from the ground / by which women, through pain, bring forth children (so also regarding labor).
However, domestication might result in a beehive mentality where men (no longer hunters) lose their spears (their male genitals) and become workers or drones… and women become queens. In this system, the queen proper (or the fag hag, conversely) bestows manhood on feminized men (or on soldiers of the king, such that they’re drones) through knighthood… by addressing them as sir (similarly male women become evil drag queens). Thus this cosmology: ARCHETYPES (and their phalli), OR…
Tool Users (How Farmers become Soldiers)
- farmers (digging sticks, spades)
- doctors (caducei, magic wands)***
- preachers (sacraments, hearts)****
- teachers (rulers, suits)*****
- soldiers (weapons, clubs)
*Why did we (regret)? <- Why do we (disgust)? <- Why don’t we (scorn)? Why (the downward arrow): The Fall (knowledge as experience plus scorn, disgust, and regret). Conversely, there is knowledge (or knowledge of good and evil), intelligence (Divine intelligence or mere common sense), and judgment (or Final Judgment): Understanding via trial and error (or trials and tribulations), wisdom (or vicarious knowledge of death), and life (eternal life or death).
**This suggests that the original sin was disgust. I relegate this disgust to ’snakes and fruits’ (male and female genitalia, respectively). And I support my observation by noting that Adam and Eve covered themselves (hid and were ‘ashamed’). Freud’s castration anxiety thus applies disgust to men who view women genitalia as penis envy would apply it to women who view male genitalia (such that disgust indicates the type of anxiety experienced and such that women could not understand this experience [directly] in terms of castration).
***The idea of king (or God) harkens to the age of tribalism (which predates tool use). In the tribal system, death (or emasculation) of the king relegates his authority to the group (the tribe… or to women) who must then resurrect him (or bring an erection to him). In the case of agrarianism as domestication (planting men in the ground), the king is kept disabled and so becomes the medicine man (as to a preacher on crutches). Otherwise, only the penis is kept (in the form of, regressively: The royal scepter. The tribal staff. The caduceus. The magic wand. Or, finally, the penis becomes a stinger… which might only be used once and at the penalty of death).
****Sacraments are physical agents of metaphysical agency. The Church chooses what form they take. Examples: Going down is represented by baptism (being held under). Golden showers are represented by chrismation (sprinkling and anointing by chrism). And sex is represented by communion (or consummation, regarding married people). Thus, the physical representative of the metaphysical penis is the re-erection, Jesus (Or, in Protestantism: Jesus as a man who loves without a penis… and the devil’s phallus, or the devil fallacy).
*****We may understand teachers (cards) as women (or queens); suits as (wo)men in suits (or as suitors… ashamed and covering themselves); and the phallic-replacement as a diamond (where removal of the phallus takes the form of humiliation… as by getting on ones knees and offering tribute). That is, we may understand diamonds in the form of diamond rings (marriage and the support of women through the sacrifice[ing] of men).
However this may also suggest a new phase in the development of civilization:
- tribalism
- hunter-gatherer
- agrarianism
- tool users
- re-creation (gambling, for example).
A Phase
Once upon a time…
I was tired… wary of saying yes sir (or please): Resentful. I was also weary from saying thank you when people blamed and whined (thus, when I otherwise would have said fuck you or thank me): Spiteful. My memories were manifesting as fixations (or fixation-fascination, i.e. transfixations*): Vengeful. And I was feeling reprobate (like I was being tested or proofed… probed again and again… fucked): Sore.
I’m not pleasured so maybe I’m learning to say please (or, at least, please me).
I was tired of saying I’m sorry (penitent, or punished, but not repentant). I was not guilty (I’m innocent as they say in jail)… convicted but not a convict.
At least, I’m gaining conviction (perhaps through conversions, confessions; or even, finally, confirmation).
As such, I was confused (con-fused: fused with…), fused with others: Domesticated (emasculated and shame bound… as when wolves become dogs, snarls become the grins of hyena, and laughter indicates shared humiliation rather than humor), feminized.
Still, my confusion sometimes manifests as compassion (feeling passion for and with others). And, I suppose wish fulfillment (or magical thinking) is better than lust (need) or desire (want). True, it may lead to idolatry. But, at best, it leads to idolizing (and so may be a fast-track to the top).
Otherwise, confusion led me downward through oppression, suppression, repression, and impression (impressing or imprinting, the long way around to discover oneself). Worse, it manifested through impersonation (which suggested putting people on though may have indicated putting on the person) as by possession (more ideally, as birth)… so perhaps in the spiritualistic sense of incarnation and reincarnation; or rebirth, resurrection, and the second coming… the REALLY long way around).
And I lived happily ever after.
But, I suppose Jesus wants credit (where grace is blind chance and this leads retroactively to trust as trust fund**). Is this justice or justification? I prefer confidence (either secrets or self confidence… though particularly the latter) and privilege (sanctuary, or sanctity… and thereby sanity).***
*Transfixion, to be transfixed (as regarding ones death and a feeling of inevitability): When transference and counter-transference manifests as cross-transference (reaction formation as terror [return of the repressed]; repetition compulsion and externalized blame; or association with the aggressor and horror) and this results in cross-fixation (or crucifixion).
**Will as will and testament (so regarding my father’s endowment, rather than mine) whereby profession is merely professing.
***Sanctity: Holiness (pride, or kingdom… power, and glory). For to thee (as king) belongs the kingdom, the power, and glory. For ever and ever, Amen.
The End.
The Punk
In a dream one night ago (see), Marshall Mathers tried to show me a check or receipt (bill) for a large (to me) sum (maybe 3,000 dollars). It was important to him that I LOOK AT IT. Someone showed up (maybe Brad) and distracted me.
I had decided that the important thing with a king (in the above, assume Mars is the king) is that having a king allows me (poor people) to think about nice things (vicariously, more or less… not vicariously in the sense that the king actually does own everything in the land and everyone else enjoys prosperity as long as the king is wealthy). Some version of patriotism (loosely).
So anyway, Mars KNEW that it was important for me to be able to look at the piece of paper with the large sum (to his credit). However I was not able to look at it (for whatever reason… not Marshall’s fault).
I’m working on this (for example: looking at expensive buildings and apartments in Old San Juan and thinking ‘Marshall would like that’ [or not... generally not, really]; then, allowing myself to believe that if ‘my father’ [Marshall] would give me the money I would move… which isn’t such a stretch for rich kids and good fathers OR for monarchies BUT it puts a strain on my mental relations with Marshall [or not, as above, assuming he knows what I need before I need it... which is a plus assuming if he waited until I needed it then someone might show up and 'try' to steal it from me even as he is in the process of giving it to me]).
Which leads me to this morning’s terror (SUCH THAT someone is stealing something from me, EVEN the benefits of my vitamin therapy… or my health [thus the joke 'a psychiatrist is a psychologist on medication'... 'physician heal thyself']). The implication is that ’someone’ (perhaps ‘Eve’* [or even my mother]) is ‘in the pit’** (regarding a horrifying revelation I had about ‘people’ [me] who were so oppressed that they couldn’t even pray*** [others had to pray for them, in their name, without them asking])… and I’m being punished for not saving them (as in a dream I had last night) although I realized they might be in a bad (or the same) situation (as I fear I am in).
* Women: I think I’m neither responsible for saving them nor for killing them because I cannot know them (because they aren’t like me). A difficult decision which leaves me a similar position to the people who I’ve been judging (those who put their neighbors in jail and go to war against The Enemy / who hate their enemies together [screw each other up the butt like heterogeneous people] rather than they love their friends [rather than they please their friends, or even love themselves, with a desire to cooperate and bring pleasure like homogenous people though not like homos, necessarily, who might also screw each other in the butt]). Also (regarding a dream I had this morning) married homos [I'm thinking of a college roommate... though I was thinking of this same person recently in less negative ways]: Married homos punk others to make them look like homos so they can hide the fact that they are, themselves (These people can become like EVIL QUEENS, truly despicable and twisted in how far they’ll go to steal righteousness from good people [or to steal sexual excitement from men and give it to women]… even worse than heteros [women], homos [male heteros], women [female men] and transgenders [men]… in decreasing order by degree of danger).
About my roommate, then: In college, he hung his dirty underwear on the door for months waiting for me to either touch them (which would make me a homo… or his bitch, I guess, since I’d be cleaning up after him) or to suffer the embarrassment of them hanging there (which he did, in part, because real men would do that [live like pigs]… the same as real men would flip their cigarette ashes on the floor or on the window ledge rather than in a sissy ashtray). Still, I bet, real men can also see through his charade.
Anyway, (in a spiritual dream a LONG time ago) he said all or nothing (to whether I’d clench my butt cheeks when I peed, of all things) and the ‘men‘ (my father, even) seemed to agree that a bet was a bet (I did clench my butt cheeks and so I should DIE… one interpretation of all or nothing, seems).
**So regarding the pit: It is like being born in debt so that everything you pay puts you further in the hole (which applies to the mindset where parents are good, children are evil, and so the good parents must punish the bad children to get them to do the right thing… grow old and otherwise buy the farm).
So, regarding my commitment to saving people in the pit: I’m sure I must save my own kind (or allow them to have a betting man’s chance, at least).
***I realized this because last night I could pray again.
…
So yesterday I woke wishing death on myself (the twin). And last night, I went to bed thinking I was doomed. Thus last night’s dreams about saving Eve (and this other dream)*. This morning, I wake up remembering all the above (to my credit, there were the revelation about Marshall and the joke… both somewhat positive).
*Another dream: There was someone I liked who got married. Though I punked him in front of his friend (I said he didn’t love the ho… reminding me of G. H. from high school and this skinny girl he tried to be with so he could be popular even though all he was going to do was screw her). So this friend brought a backpack to me (there are people who stay here who have backpacks, too)… brought a backpack, opened it, and started describing his married friend’s underwear (letting me look at the dirty laundry… I could even smell it, not that I wanted to). So, on the one hand, I’m reminded of the punk with the dirty underwear hanging on the hamper door handle; and, on the other hand, I’m offered hope that men who marry for reasons other than love might also steal from women and give to men (in a way that goes against what I’ve seen before where men steal from men to give to women).
Semantics and Denotata
Sometimes I am amazed at the details I recall. I attribute this to either impression or impersonation. Seems people used to attribute this to stealing someone’s soul. I used to call it imaging. Perhaps it is related to idols (though I need to better differentiate between idolizing and idolatry). Similarly I think of printing (imprints and impressions, or understanding as standing under)…
- types
- prototypes
- archetypes
This fits into the Time Box model (See PUBLIC IMAGE, below)…
- idea
- individual
- ideal
- icon
- idol
… self-image, group image, divine image. Where divine image refers to the idol and image (to logos, word, name) to imago (as an idealized image or an adult after metamorphosis)* thus regarding identification, impressing, and imprinting (or impersonating). This might be top down (where self-image, group image, and divine image are bottom up)?
IMAGINATION AND IMAGO
(Uncreated Grace and Divine Will)
*somewhere in the realm of nous, scion (science and conscience), and logo (and so related to signature, signet, stamp, seal, signal and sign).
The Female Phallus
The Orthodox Church uses Saints as representatives of THE CHURCH (perhaps) to intercede as such for parishioners before God (which we ask of them) rather than as representatives of God before the church (in that we don’t pray to them); though, this might lead to them being agents or to agency as is suggested for Boof (see below).
And this potential problem is echoed by our belief in guardian angels. (Angels just seem silly to me). The angelic hierarchy is at the root of the problem here. A hierarchy might create a representative system. And so agents refer to agencies rather than agency.
Thus we have icons. They are windows to heaven. They are an agency through which we experience God. Some religions have idols and others forbid all representations. This last option seems best but is the most difficult. And anyway I like art (and names).
I’m thinking of goofs (through harrumphs), The Boof… and how at the point where evolution chose the male (when regressing) the male might confront the female (perhaps in the form of a push-me-pull-you, riddle of the sphinx, or Minotaur). This obstruction is to keep the male from becoming a transgender, perhaps; or, in times past, to keep him from becoming part animal (a divide between man and beast).
THE GEEK?
The CONTEXT (neutrality) manifests (male) INTENTION and (female) INTENSION (as externalized thoughts and emotions, respectively) such that the CONTENT (sexual identity) expresses the DENOTATION (sexual tension) and so internalizes the CONNOTATION (sexual innuendo) as a CONDITION (PENIS ENVY*) thereby answering the RIDDLE (identity) with the JOKE (sex). Male intention is denoted a MEANS TO AN END, the male condition is PLAY, the male identity is connoted WORD (or name), and the BOOF (rather than the geek) is pleasure (AH) rather than joke (HA HA).
*PENIS ENVY: INTEREST in AROUSAL / FALLACY vs PHALLUS (THE FEMALE PHALLUS or THE DEVIL FALLACY)
It surely represents the historical-moment* (MYTH: Birth of The Enemy) whereby conceit is understood as extended metaphor (LEGEND: Birth of The Hero).
*Historical Moment: A point in time necessitating critical thinking, even final judgment, when the potential for self-annihilation is equal to the certainty that the species will be destroyed (modified, perhaps, by the benefit of a doubt, fallacy, and the benefit of a certainty, phallus. Eden). Once Upon a Time (FAIRY TALE: Happily Ever After).
I’m thinking about will and grace. About how ones father might provide willfulness in the form of a will and testament (over my father’s dead body, as such). Though grace implies permission instead of will (as in mother may I). As such I will be something with my father’s power (or money) and I may be anything with my mother’s permission. Seems Freudian: To kill the father and marry the mother (in order to acquire will and grace).
These terms are also frequently applied to God (Divine Will) and Jesus (Uncreated Grace).
Genesis: Exigency and Exegesis
(suggesting exogeny and exodus… or agency)
The term AGENCY seems adequate to explain all of these differences: Agency as power and action (or not my but Thy Will, God)*: Agency, then, as may be a means to an end (or which may be provided by the one who saves, Jesus): And agencies (groups) in the form of divine agencies (churches) as regards agents (representatives) in comparison to divine agents (angels vs sacraments?)**
Does this finally result in a personal guardian angel (one who represents each individual)? Or, would such be a fallen angel (as one which does NOT represent God, as such)? For, is the devil*** not similarly a representation of human individuality (of self will but also self volition)?
*and the problem of limiting self-will at the cost of self-volition
**Sacraments: Physical reagents as metaphysical agents (the church can choose the form but not the function)
***As fallen angel: Such that angels may be ‘cast down from heaven’ because they represent people (because they are agents) rather than being sacramental (the second case implying some element of choice, at least).
