Re-Probing Reprobation
Wow! So many things on my mind. Regrets, mostly (why do I, why didn’t I, why don’t I). Resentments (like the other but more specific… why didn’t I do this or that, etc). But these mostly without spite or defensiveness [ambivalence].
Perhaps this was a result of fixing yesterday (recalling a path into one’s own past that culminates in a specific memory and then aligns with other similar incidents, progressively, so as to [create a personality construct. 5/23/2010 9:01a ]).*
Sometimes this path regards fetishism and repetition compulsion (obsession). But, even then, it often results in a positive catharsis. Worst case scenario, it may involve reaction formation and association with the aggressor (in which case it manifests as hypnotic regression and transfixion… only to end in violent abreaction).
*Or, it may be said that the process is merely one of character building. Anyway, it is this process which allows for judgment. However, judgment might also be understood in terms of a reprobate mind and a final judgment (see worst case scenario, above). Other terms: Regression. Fixation. Fascination.
Before going to sleep, I thought about… my landlady in Fresno CA, 98 years old. She would lay downstairs and listen to my bed squeak… I could hear her moaning. Or she’d come into my room when I was gone and snoop around (only to tell me she was measuring for curtains, or some such). Then, she’d drive me on errands and stop to show me off to her cronies (take my arm honey so I don’t fall). And she’d offer me bites of chocolate that she had nibbled on (once I saw a pubic hair stuck to one… I assumed this was some sort of black widow magic, a love spell).
Yes, sometimes this process brings up bad memories (fetish as morbidity) or even false memories (hypnotic suggestion).
But anyway last night I was able to find mercy, then pity, and peace, if not love for old wise women (witches). I came to the conclusion that as a virgin-whore (or crone mother) she wasn’t much different from a transvestite (becoming a man/virgin when you show compassion and a woman/whore when you try to be her friend). Yes, it is emasculating and creates sexual confusion. But both the crone and the t-girl are merely suffering their own purgation.
And so, this morning was a catharsis… painful memories minus the pain; but a flood of memories, nonetheless. And so, for now, I’m fixed.
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