More Thinking
Dear Counsellor,
As I’m walking to my appointment: I think about all the things I want to say. I swear I won’t talk about any of THOSE things (I always do)! To keep from thinking, I force myself to look for “beauty”. I see the same things: Flowers, architecture, funny signs, clouds, people (funny people, big people, little people, people laughing, people smiling). I wonder if the walk to your office is as good for me as the counseling I get when I get there.
When I walk into the waiting room to see you, I always notice the strangest things. There are people waiting around: They look crazier than I feel (but they’re always friendly). There’s a bottle of hand sanitizer on the counter (For obsessive compulsives?): I always use some … I like the smell. While I’m waiting, I search through the magazines: The pictures bring up “issues” (I never get to read a full article before you come out to get me)!
We always “small talk” walking back to your office. A polite social facade for the public? Nice weather. I like your outfit (yours). You look good (me). And a final “How have you been” when we ge inside the office and the door shuts. But I want to get to the “real” issues and, by then, I’m tired of social niceties.
The session: I’m crazy. No, you’re not. I have issues. Everyone does. I feel… (ashamed, guilty, afraid, tired…). And when am I going to get better (first I was, then I wasn’t, now…)? Those aren’t the REAL issues anymore, they’re just “crazy talk” (I’m at a mental health clinic, of course I talk about mental health things). Then, the real REAL issues: I went out. I accomplished something new. We talk about friends and family (mine AND yours). Finances. You tell me “You can do it”.
The session is over. More small talk. The receptionist is friendly. I get my appointment (I want it to be for 3 weeks and you want it to be in 2). I walk outside, light a cigarette. The Funshine Van is there… an employee is smoking outside. I don’t FEEL better. I don’t remember what we talked about. I remember you were “supportive” (I pay you for that?). The walk home. The thinking and forced appreciation of the things I see. More thinking.
Thanks,
Your Patient
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