Where does fear reside 1?
There were spiders hatching outside on the edge of the roof at the edge of the doorway. Hundreds of tiny babies dangled in the air on fine webs moving gently in the breeze. They were likely garden spiders, hopefully not the type that grow to the 2-inch size that I often find in the tub.Of course, I didn't get rid of them, reminding myself that they are harmless. I was entranced, revolted, apprehensive, and nauseous. They're harmless. I was not breathing, and finally gasped and turned away.
It awoke a memory that was once at my grasp at all times, but it had been put away. The memory itself doesn't feel scary at all, now. I was just surprised that I'd buried it for at least a short while and it took a visual to release it again. Even so, it took awhile to remember what bothered me about spiders. Is that self-protection? Many years ago, I'd walked through a double or triple web of black widow spiders hatchlings. There were more than hundreds in the back yard amongst my ceramic molds and the adirondak chairs and I was covered with the spiders. I grabbed a pretty heavy-duty insecticide and doused myself. After that it took months or maybe years to get better, with tremors and symptoms of panic. I couldn't breathe. Who knows, perhaps the toxin caused part of it. Maybe it was unnecessary. I read at one point that they aren't venomous, but most internet articles show now that the young are highly venomous. I thought they were. What to do? The choices - get bitten by a bunch of venomous spiders or poison myself with toxin. Was I shaking from exposure to insecticide or panic disorder? The tremors eventually went away. Life unraveled. I let it all fall apart. It was my tipping point in a bad way. The doctor said the stressor was the last straw to break the camel's back and I would never be well again.
Looking back, the doctor was wrong, simply a bad doctor. My life has been very stressful, but I haven't folded.
I'm not afraid of spiders. They don't invade my dreams. It's only a web covered with hatchlings that messes with my mind.
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